Cult Status: The Women of Machete Kills

"This dress cost more than your f***ing life!"

Where do you draw the line between extravagant mockery and insulting exploitation? Gratuitously skimpy costumes? A machine gun bra? That thing that Sofia Vergara wore around her crotch, which was supposed to look like something else, that turned out to be a pistol?

To describe Robert Rodriguez's Machete Kills (2013) as "problematic" would be an overwhelming understatement. Whilst watching it, it's difficult not to get distracted from the so-called storyline and drift into an internal debate about which female character (and her costumes) are the most offensive. 

It should come as no surprise that this sequel to Machete (2010), which was hugely disappointing, would be utterly lacklustre as well. What is somewhat surprising, however, is the array of well-known actresses who chose to participate in this abomination.  

Amber Heard plays Miss San Antonio, a secret service agent / spy / assassin (I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention), posing as a Texan beauty pageant contestant. 

Sofía Vergara is Desdemona, a literal maneater, a madame at a brothel who despises men so much that she either eats parts of their bodies or shoots them with her machine gun bra.

Lady Gaga, unsurprisingly, plays La Camaleón, a hit-man (again, not sure about this one) who changes face and apparently gender whenever he/she is seen.

Then of course there is Michelle Rodriguez's Luz, a.k.a. Shé, the leader of an illegal immigrant aid movement, who wears an eye-patch.

What is interesting, as well as a little unsettling, about all these characters is the question as to whether or not they are intended to be empowering, or if they, much like their costumes, are simply mockery disguised as empowerment. To what degree are these characters and their costumes a reflection of classic tropes of exploitation cinema? Has it been taken too far?

Interesting side note: costume designer Nina Proctor has previously worked on the likes of Grindhouse epics Death Proof (2007) and Planet Terror (2007), as well as the first Machete, and we will next see her work in the upcoming Sin City: A Dame To Kill For. Seems she has a knack for dressing some controversial female characters.

That Dress: Amber Heard in The Informers

The only feeling better than being naked is wearing an amazing dress.

If you have any intentions of watching The Informers (2008), there's only one thing you need to know: Amber Heard is naked in it. A lot. Like, 80% of the time, I'd say.

Whilst some men (and women) would jump for joy at that fact, I was rather disappointed. Here we have the perfect opportunity to take a gorgeous actress and dress her in the finest that the 80s' had to offer, but what did we get instead?

Naked.

Not that I blame costume designer, Sophie De Rakoff, for that. Christie (Heard) was probably naked the whole time in the book (shame on you again, Bret Easton Ellis). The very little she wore was rather spectacular though. One sequined party dress and one funeral dress.

De Rakoff most likely would have provided some amazing looks, if given the chance. Though not having worked on anything too legendary, she did manage to gift us with the looks in Legally Blonde (2001), Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), In Her Shoes (2005) and This Means War (2012). Seems like she has a knack for dressing Reese Witherspoon.

Let's hope Amber does better in the future. Because, let's face it, which would you prefer? Amber dying on the beach in a bikini, or laying by the beach, covered in chic?

The Inspiration: Amber Heard in The Rum Diary

This will be my life.

Winter is so over. I have simply had enough of it. In my mind, there is no more darkness, no more freezing temperatures, no more wearing big (faux) fur coats, no more rain, no more black clothes.

Alright, there will always be black clothes.

I have decided that a major change in style will occur this year. This change will mostly be due to a change in location, as I've grown tired of the UK and Europe, and all of their seriousness; I'm going to South America.

I don't know when, I don't know how, I don't know with what money, but all I know is that it will happen.

And when it does, when I get there, I will begin my new life by channelling the style of Chenault (Amber Heard). Fun, sexy, elegant.

The Rum Diary (2011) is not a film that is worth watching for the story, but if you're in a similar mindset as I am, Colleen Atwood will inspire you (as she always does).

Here's to partying, laying by the beach, and dancing on the streets.

Fashion Fail: Amber Heard in Pineapple Express

Dating a stoner results in you, too, dressing like a stoner.

I feel as strongly about stoner-style as I do about hipster-style; it should remain utterly unseen because it is unthinkably atrocious.

So I saw Pineapple Express (2008) for the first time last night, and whilst everyone has been telling me for years about how hilarious it is, I simply couldn't get past the tragedy of it: Angie Anderson (a.k.a. Amber Heard) is a gorgeous high school girl, but she has no sense of style... probably because her boyfriend is a stoner.

On the "Druggie Style Scale", stoners are just a notch above heroine-addicts (who are at the bottom. Trainspotting, anyone?) and way below the coke-heads (who are at the top, always). 

At the end of the film, my only thought was: "Angie, take inspiration from Elvira in Scarface and dump the stoner."

Please.